Saturday, February 28, 2009

The crazy world of getting married, muslim style

So having re-read my post,i realised for the first time i have given a bit more of the thoughts in my head, being slightly less guarded then my normal self, and also that the post is rather long, so enjoy.

This is a post with more questions then answers.
I'm just adding my own little musings and not adding anything new to the the this well discussed topic. The crazy world of getting married, Muslim (Asian??) style.

Not that I have started looking yet, but just thinking about it is confusing, but the future has a habit of being a confusing thing to look into. How do you know when to start looking? When is it too soon,and when is it too late?
I think I will start with my hopeful view of what marriage will be, that I will find someone that I click with, someone that I enjoy spending time with and someone that I can discover the rest of my life with. I feel marriage should never be thought of as a burden, but should instead add another layer to my life, allowing me to develop and express myself in different way, and hopefully the same goes for my future wife.

Being at uni really doesn't help matters, seeing lots of couples, and what that extra element adds to people's life (not referring to the physical sides of relationships). Mix that with the standard muslim expectation of can't get married till able to financially support yourself e.t.c and really does make you wonder. If i wasn't a muslim i'm pretty sure i would have done the whole dating thing by now. But that desire to be with someone,is very natural, part of being human and something I feel already, it makes me wonder how people can wait until they are in their 30's before getting married. Seems like you are putting yourself through unnecessary hurt/tests by waiting that long. But i guess that contrasts against finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with. I guess people can argue about careers, and doing stuff first, but I just think with the right person it can be done as a couple (is that me still being idealistic)

So now to give the thought process some structure

1) When do you start looking
2) How do you look
3) How do you know the person is right?

When do you start looking?

Few factors spring to mind with marriage, and looking for marriage.
  • Are you in a place in life where you feel that you are mature enough to be getting married (me mature lol, although just thinking of my few blog posts, they have all so far been rather serious). I think that's a hard thing to call, as most of the time it's about rising to the situation, and only then can you truly display the qualities needed. But i guess it comes down to being open minded and not thinking marriage will be a walk in the park, thinking that marriage will just be the honeymoonesque fun times. I guess its being able to compromise (key word with marriage i guess) and working with someone. But that's all words, and i think its how you react instinctively to the trials of marriage which will define weather you are mature enough i guess.
  • Are you financially stable enough to support someone else (obviously a guy thing), comes down to what you define as suffcient to support someone else. Personally i would go for being able to rent somewhere to live alone, and beyond that i don't think livng costs are that great. Instead the big barrier is the cost of the wedding itself (which will prob address in another post). I personally feel this can be a sumbling block to people getting married, especially the cost of weddings, meaning guys don't start looking till they feel finacially secure, often in late 20's. Hopefully that won't be me.
  • Parents
    - for guys, do they think you are ready / other side of the spectrum thing you should get a move on and get married before you are grey and old.

    - for girls much more it seems just get married sooner rather then later (before they gather dust on the shelves (disclaimer not my actual opinion)
Personally i'm actually in favour of younger marriages (24-26 for guys, and early 20's for girls), providing both parties are mature enough, and of course the right match for each other. I prob think 25-26 is realistic for moi, but I guess only Allah really knows.

My views on how to find someone and if the person is right in the next post or 2 (thought the post is getting a bit long, and will be interesting to see what other's think).


P.S The date on the post is when I started writing this lol, so taken me a week to actually finish it, I need to be more focused damn it.


FutureGirl said...

I say: don't look. The reason so many marriages fail or end up miserable is because as people, we don't know what we don't know.

And one thing we really dont know is what is best for us, so its better to simply bump into it than to seek it out.

Life is better this way, and the process much easier and calmer if you let natural processes take their natural paths,.

Mushowish said...

Your right about us not knowing what is good for us, but even if we allow the bump into policy to work, how would we ever know if its right or not. I guess we never will, just making the most informed decision/guess we can lol.

and your right, my preferred way of finding someone would be to let it just happen, and not go seeking for it. I guess part of that is being around the right people and in the right places to bump into said ppl. hmmm I guess its one of life's many mysterys. I have faith it will all work itself out eventually. Although i wouldn't rule out specifically looking at some stage either.

Lets see how life pans out.

SoulSeek said...

Ah bro, I can relate with you on the whole Uni thing. I'm the same age and boy have I got a lot to talk about.

Uni is the most difficult time. I feel like it's tearing me apart at times as I get asked often. It's extremely difficult to stay on the right path.

When to start looking? Only you truly know that. There will be something inside of you letting you know. For me it's wanting new experience, someone close to share things with. You know I've pretty much all the things I've wanted to do.

How do you look? Haha now this is a good one. Friends and family is the obvious one.

How do you know the person is right? You'll know. You need to marry a girl based on similarities of likes, thinking etc

Don't marry a girl on the basis of thinking she will make you more islamic or vice versa. You need to differentiate between traits of a human being.

Inshallah check out my blog, I'm only just starting out but there will be progressively more material as I'm starting to take accounts of what's happened so far. I intend to talk about pretty much everything you've covered in more detail.

Mushowish said...

SoulSeek: I have been reading your blog with interest, just need to get round to posting a comment on it. I'm a pretty bad blogger.

Keep up the good work with the posts, and all the best with your search! said...

With regard to what soul seek said, don't marry someone because you feel that they will make you more Islamic. On the same note, I know many brothers get married based on the Hadith of the Prophet (SAW) that gives the four reasons a woman should get married: wealth, beauty, lineage, deen. Insha'Allah if you intend on marrying a woman for those traits...that's well and good. However, if you have nothing in common with're running into a dead end. Praying five times a day is not something that you have in common with the woman in question (sure its a plus and should get brownie points). Make sure you have similar likes and enjoy doing similar things.

Mushowish said...

Thanks for the post hijaabified beauty! Not sure if i have posted on your blog yet, i'm subscribed to it though for a while now. I'm def of the school of thought of marrying because you have common interest and enjoy each others company. After all it is the rest of your life you will be spending together. Although i do wander if I almost fall into the idealistic camp of thinking. As couldnt imagine spending my life with someone one that i couldnt talk to, and enjoy there company!

Inshallah may Allah (swt) bless us all with good spouses, which will be good for us in this world and in the hereafter!!

Kanwalful said...

Mushowish, it really is the best thing to be married early. I'm 21 and married to the love of my life (who is 23). And our marriage didn't cost so much. We chose not to spend a fortune on it feeding people who wouldn't be enjoying the rest of our lives with us.

I wrote something about crazy expensive weddings in Pakistan too, a while back. But the trick to break free of these retarded customs is to get married simple and fast is. And as my husband says:
KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid :)

Kanwalful said...

Oh, and here is the post I wrote on weddings in Pakistan.